A snob’s guide to Costco

It’s pescatarian-focused, too

There is a lot of crap at Costco. There is a lot of crap in America. We love crap. It is also true that it is difficult to supply and run a household affordably and in a way that does not require thousands of trips to the store each month. Admittedly, my household is not huge: me, my boyfriend, and our toddler. Still, the perpetual need to Go to the Store severely outpaces my desire to go to the store. There’s no getting out of it for certain perishables, but I have been working on slowly building a stockpile of shelf stable and longer lasting goods to keep our grocery expenses low and trips brief.

This is where Costco comes in, as it does for much of middle America. The difference? I am here to cut the crap. This is a guide for people who actually cook. There will be no double choco chunk cookie abominations. I do not care for store bought granola bars. Those “healthy choice” fruit leathers that every mom blog pushes? They’re disgusting and will sit in the back of your pantry until the rapture.

I will tell you what is decent and what lasts until you actually use it. My goal every Costco trip is to keep the bill around $200. My strategy is to prioritize what we actually need and will use immediately based on current supply levels and weekly menus, and add in long-term bulk storage items until I am around the budget limit. This list is not comprehensive and covers mostly food — subscribe for parts two, three, more? ;)

• Kirkland brand paper towels — You do not need anything fancier than the generic brand. They are fine.

• Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper — You do need the name brand. Do not skimp here; the price point versus quality equation does not add up to a happy home. Bonus, the smooth tear feature creates a lovely scalloped edge that classes up even the grayest standard issue bathroom. We haven’t gotten around to decorating.

• House Foods organic tofu four-pack — These last a while in the fridge on their own, but if you don’t cook tofu as often as I do, or if you want a fun trick to change the texture of tofu so that it mimics and absorbs flavors more like animal protein, chuck those packs in the freezer when you get home. Thaw in the fridge as you need ‘em.

• Kasia’s potato and cheese pierogi — What else is there to say? Can freeze.

• Kirkland Signature smoked salmon two-pack — Not something I buy regularly, but great if you want to host a cute brunch at home.

• Spindrift packs — Best bang for your buck for basic bubbly flavors.

• Honest juice packs — Parents, iykyk.

• Once Upon a Farm fruit and vegetable pouches — My kid loves these stupid bougie slurpy things. Note, these are not shelf stable, but do last long enough in the fridge for a child with an insatiable pouch habit.

• Kirkland organic fruit and vegetable pouches — Did I mention it was insatiable? These are shelf stable.

• Frozen seafood — Solid range of decent quality seafood, including wild caught options.

• Cheese — Become a cheese drawer family, responsibly. Don’t be wasteful. Remember hard cheese like blocks of Parmesan will last longer than semi-soft cheeses.

• Canned goods — Beans, coconut milk, diced tomatoes, tomato paste, and more. Think about how you cook and build your shelf stable pantry from there. It is worth it. I do not buy rice or flour from Costco because, honestly, their bulk sizes are insane and impractical for storing at my house.

• Foster’s pickled vegetable party pack — These are delicious. Keep them on hand so you always have something to pull out and seem like a competent host at the drop of a hat. They are also perfect for snack dinner and to complement sticky tofu and rice bowls.

• Garafolo organic variety pasta pack — Fun shapes, tastes better than generic or value brands, and the price for this brand at Costco is almost half what it costs at Walmart.

• Late July multigrain chips — Tasty.

• RW Garcia sweet potato crackers — Again, tasty.

That’s it for now. Be a snob! Junk food doesn’t taste very good.